MUSICIANS
What's the first thing a Soprano does in the morning?
Gets up and goes home
What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?
Vibrato, plus it's easier to improvise on a chainsaw
What do you call someone that hangs around with musicians?
A drummer
The worlds best and most famous conductor made a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is my last performance as a world-class conductor. I'm announcing my retirement.'
After a few minutes' silence from the shocked audience and orchestra, he was greeted with boos and hisses. Hw walked from the stage , only to be met be his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. 'Oh no, you don't,' his manager said, 'you're not retiring.'
Forced back to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said, 'Dear would you get me a small handgun?' 'Yes dear,' she rolled over and went back to sleep.
Sure enough at the next performance he had a small handgun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said, 'I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance.' The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted, 'You can't be serious!' and the conductor whipped out his handgun and shot the player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. 'How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?' the judge enquired. 'Guilty, your honour,' the conductor replied. 'Do you realise the sentence for first-degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?' the judge asked. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than carrying on like he was. 'Yes, your honour," the conductor replied.
While being strapped in to the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said, "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a while, the conductor said, "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request as granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas.
The room was emptied, and the switch flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorrilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work," his manger said.
More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with his wife, he asked, "Dear, could you get me a grenade?"
"Yes, dear," she replied.
At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. HE took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away.
"You again?" asked the judge. "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago." The conductor shrugged. "Okay, how do you plead to 23 counts of first-degree murder?" the judge asked.
"Guilty to all counts," replied the conductor.
While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request.
"A silver platter with two dozen bananas, the room was evacuated and the switch flicked. IT appeared that they'd managed to kill him this time, but the conductor regained consciousness when they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as he left the building. "Back to work!"
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor couldn't take it any more. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed.
"Yes, dear," she replied.
He didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Fuck you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.
"Jesus Christ, you again? You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first-degree murder?"
"Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed. "The bastards deserved it!" He was hauled away.
A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short out in the power. Meanwhile, the city's electrical engineers were busy rerouting a massive dose of voltage into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter," he said. He scoffed the bananas, the building was evacuated and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some two kilometers away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.
His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of the coffin - alive!
He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people before," he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."
POPE WEB DESIGN 2002