IRISH

Paddy and Mick landed themselves jobs at a sawmill.  Just before morning break, Paddy yelled 'Mick!, I lost me finger!' 'Have you know' says Mick 'And how did you do it?' 'I just touched this big spinning thing like thi - damn, there goes another one!'

How do you confuse an Irishman?

Offer him 3 spades and tell him to take his pick.

An Irish man walked into a doctors surgery, 'I've got a pain in me arse, could you take a look?'  'Take off your trousers and hop up on the table' said the doctor.  The doctor looked at his arse, 'My!' he exclaimed, 'You've got a £5 note in here.' He pulled it out, 'There's another one here as well'  They kept coming thick and fast.  '£1980, £1990, £1995, there's £1995 here,' the doctor said. 'Ah, that'll be about right, I knew I wasn't feeling too grand.

How do you get a one armed Irish man out of a tree?

Wave to him.

Two Irishmen are working on a building site digging a ditch.  The foremen was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work, work, work. Finally, one of the Irishmen noticed that the foremen left around 3.00 every afternoon. So they started leaving at 3.15.  The next day when the foremen left at 3.00, they left at 3.15. One of them, Pat, arrived home, walked into his house, opened the bedroom door and discovered the foremen in bed with his wife. He immediately ran back to the building site and dug like mad until 5.00. The next day, Pat told his mate "Listen we can't knock off at 3.15 anymore. I almost got caught."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, 
may I come in?"  he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always 
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was 
an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no," cries Brenda, "Please don't tell me..." 
"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.  
"How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." 
"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

Q: How did the Irish acid-bath murderer loose his hand?
A: Pulling out the plug.

Q: What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

Q: What do you call an Irishman with a university degree?
A: A liar.

Q: How do you keep an Irishman happy in his old age?
A: Tell him a joke when he's young.

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides.

Q: Did you hear about the Irish lesbian?
A: She likes men.

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

Pat and Mick each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So Pat cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while.
But then Mick's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started.
Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: "Can't you two fools see that the black horse is six inches taller than the white horse?"

Then there was Barry O'Loughlin who went to the doctor to get some medicine as he wasn't feeling very well.
"This is pretty strong stuff," said the doctor, "so take some the first day, then skip a day, take some again and then skip another day, and so on".
A few months later the doctor met Barry's wife, and asked her how he was.
"Oh, he's dead," she told him.
"Didn't the medicine I prescribed do him any good?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, the medicine was fine," she replied. "It was all that skipping that killed him".

Paddy O'Connor goes to see his doctor: "Doctor, my sex life is terrible, absolutely terrible!"
The doctor examines him, and says, "You need exercise. I want you to run every day, two miles a day. It'll improve your heart rate, your general well-being, your self-image, your libido. Then call me in a week".
A week later, Paddy calls his doctor, says "Well, Doc, I've been running every day, two miles a day, just like you said".
The doctor asks him "So, how's your sex life?"
Paddy says "I don't know. I'm fourteen miles from home."

An Irishman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance, he saw an advertisement in a shop window for chain-saws "guaranteed to fell sixty trees a day".
So he bought one, but the best he could manage was twenty trees a day. He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it.
"Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain-saw, he switched it on.
"Heavens above!" exclaimed the Irishman, covering his ears with his hands, "What's that noise?"

Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

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