GENERAL
IRAQI TV GUIDE
06.00 - Morning Prayers
07.30 - "The Rock 'n Roll Years 629 AD" - A look back at the events of the last year, including the execution of 2,300 dissidents and the opening of a new French oil refinery.
08.00 - FILM: "Saddambusters" - Dramatisation of the glorious 1991 Iraqi victory in Kuwait.
09.30 -"Have I Got Genocide For You" - Celebrities make weapons of mass destruction out of everyday objects.
10.00 - "Holiday" - The team check out nice places for the Saddam family to retire. Featuring: North Korea, Rhodesia and France.
10.30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
11.30 - "Tomorrow's World"- New torture inventions for scientists who refuse to make nuclear bombs.
12.00 - "Green Peter" - The total amount of smallpox virus bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed. Also - three ways to burn a flag, and how to make a President Bush effigy.
12.30 - "Only Fools and Camels" - Dhal-Boy offloads some dodgy French rocket-launchers to a bloke from
Hamas.
13.30 - "Koranation Street" - Deirdrie faces
execution by cat o'nine tails for being a shiite. Benny is hung upside-down for being homosexual.
14.00 - "Question Time" - Members of the public face awkward questions from the Secret Service.
15.00 - "Allah McBeal"
15.30 - "You've Bin Ladened" - Amusing footage shot secretly in Iraq's prisons. The film-makers were also secretly shot.
16.00 - "Middle-East Enders" - The entire cast is beheaded for not saluting when Saddam comes on the
telly.
16.30 - "Sadd's Army" - The Basra-on-Sea home guard repel another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. Fraser has his willy hacked off for stealing some of Corporal Jones's sausages.
17.00 - "Wheel of Terror"
17.30 - "Talitubbies" - Dipsy and Tinky-Winky make nerve-gas.
18.00 - FILM: "Saddam's Angels" - The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to bring democracy and free speech to Iraq.
19.30 - "Big Brother" - Who will be taken to Baghdad and executed this week?
20.30 - "Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife" - Xena stays at home in a mask and does some housework.
21.30-Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
22.30 - "The Sky At Night" - What to
see in the Iraqi night sky during March: including B52 Bombers, Stealth Fighters and Cruise Missiles
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to
Invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there
Is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire
dart team from the pub.That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million
Men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein,
The war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000
Tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to
you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the War is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
And four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000
fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Buhdda's Backside!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that We have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
The most offensive world records!
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of
semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July
1991.
LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring
32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her
vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles
could, without preparation, completely insert a
lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZITS In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of
yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a
beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by
Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists
of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained
bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL This is available from a few
select bars in New York, contains tomato juice, a
double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and
a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a
tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is
known as a 'C*nt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst
Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for
the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed
of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was
produced by an American, who produced a staggering
turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was
officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is
banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed
to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2
mins 42 seconds.
A man goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The man replies, "Why, doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The following day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man
says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
WHY ITS GREAT BEING A BLOKE:
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people,
in 45 minutes on the day before Christmas.
18. Same work - more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. We can sit quietly and watch the game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
Dear Agony Aunt
I am into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality.
Am I flogging a dead horse??
How to Shower for Women...
Take off all clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins, 'cos you're worth it.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. After all, you're worth it.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
Wash rest of body entirely in ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushed toilet causing the loss of water pressure and turning it red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with suitable mould remover or Tilex.
Get out of shower and dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Attack with nails or tweezers (if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting ready.
How to shower like a man...
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them on the floor in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife seen, shake kn*b at her and shout 'wey hey!"
Look in mirror and suck in gut and admire your manly physique.
Admire size of kn*b in mirror, scratch b*llocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth because you do not need one.
Wash face and armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash b*llocks and surrounding area.
Wash @rse remembering to leave some fetching hair on the soap.
Shampoo hair but don't condition.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back the curtain to see self in the mirror.
P!ss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain has been outside of shower for the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles and admire size of kn*b again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab kn*b and go "yeah baby!" whilst thrusting pelvis towards her.
Put on yesterdays clothes
An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch
the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As
they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog
got jealous, growling fiercely until he took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, offshore from the island,
there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
the most beautiful woman the Aussie had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly
nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful
evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a
night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings"
again. He fought them as long as he could, but he
finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and
whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him and swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in rural Canada. She orders the chicken and starts to eat.
But in eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.
The woman sees this performance and is grossed out. She vomits all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right, Vern, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
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