GENERAL

A women came back from the doctors and burst into the lounge smiling and laughing.  Her husband said "what's wrong with you?" "The doctor said I had the tits of a 16 year old", the women replied.  "And what did he say about your 52 year old asshole?" "He never mentioned your name!"

A man gets a job in a bakery.  Unfortunately they fail their health and safety inspection, the inspector says "I'll be back in six weeks to check that progress has been made or you'll be shut down".  Six weeks pass and the inspector comes back.  As he walks into the shop he notices that the man is using tongs to serve the cakes.  "That's very good he says, using tongs is better than using your hands." Suddenly he notices a piece of string hanging from the mans trousers, "Hope you don't mind me asking" he says "but why have you got a piece of string hanging from your trousers" "Well" he says "When I go to the toilet I pull me cock out with the string, instead of using my hands." "That's very clever" says the inspector "How do you put in back again?" "Well I use the tongs!"

"I'm sorry Mickey" said the judge "I can't give you a divorce from Minnie on the basis of insanity because theirs no evidence", "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy"

To all men, bare the following in mind:

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker,
Don't be silly, protect your willy,
Cover your stump before you hump,
Don't be a loaner, cover your boner,
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it,
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger,
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong,
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your Peter,
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,  
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as Jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,” My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

What's the speed limit of sex?

68.  At 69 you have to turn around

How does a guy know if he's got a high sperm count?

His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

What does a dog do that you can step into?

What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

What the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?

Ones made of plastic and dangerous to children the other you carry you shopping in!

Robert Di Nerio is going to star in a new movie portraying the life of Harold Shipman.  The films called "Old Dear Hunter"

Limo draws up by a building site and out steps a brick layer, he walks up and starts work. The site mamager goes up to him and asks:
"how come you're so rich"
"ah" he replies "i am rich out of Gambling. 'ere i bet you £50 that by the end of the day you will have three balls"
(site manager agrees)
Then at the end of the day, the brick layer come up to the site manager (whos is outside the office at the front of the site) and says ok pull down you trousers and let check and we will see. The site manager drops his trousers and the brick layer checks and find everything ordinary. As he hands over the £50 the site manager asks
"why did you make that bet?"
Brick layer replies "because i bet the 150 workers down in the sight £150 each that i could have your trousers down before the end of the day"

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"

"I'm not going to give you a blow job"

"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

A man is sitting on an aeroplane next to an old lady. Suddenly, the man sneezes, takes out his penis, cleans it with a tissue, and puts it back. The old lady decided to ignore it.

Suddenly it happens again. Again, the old lady ignores it, hoping it wont happen again. Then it happens for a third time. He sneezes, takes out his penis, cleans it off with a tissue, and puts it back. This time the old lady cannt ignore it.

"Why the hell do you keep doing that. I am old and find it highly offensive!!"

"im sorry" said the man, "but i have a genetic condition, and every time i sneeze, i cum".

"Oh dear!" said the old lady "And what are you taking for it??"

"Mustard powder!!"

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

Let's find out just how clever you really are. Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake
the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answer that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take
his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you
took for the first question.


Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you
are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you
are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question: Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in
your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?

Scroll down for answer..

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.
Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the
question again.

You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!!!!! GOODBYE

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. 

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. 

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. 

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well,how was it?"

The guy says,"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and

tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and

buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll f**k her again!!!"


An old Irishman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the long agonies of his impending death, he lay reflectin on his life.

As he lay there he thought long and hard on his sucesses, his failures, his family, his children, his grandchildren, but most of all, .....his beloved wife.

Laying there, he became aware of the aroma of his favourite home-made cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

With tremendous fortitude, he gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself painfully from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with ever greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs.

With his dying and laboured breath,he leaned against the door frame, and gazed into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven!!

For there, spread out carefully upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
dozens of his favourite cheese scones!!
Was he in heaven???

No!!
It one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years,seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man!!

Mustering one great final dying effort,he flung himself towards the table.
Landing hard on his knees in a broken posture, his parched lips parted,
He could almost taste the cheese scone before it came to his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to new life!!

His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, ......

when suddenly.....

his hand was smacked hard with a spatula held.....
by his beloved wife. . . . . . .


"F*** off" she said, "they're for the funeral!!

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